Why are you so awful to yourself? Self-Flagellation isn’t helping you.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Why are you so hard on you? What’s the deal here?
Why do you keep beating yourself up both inside and outside?
Harsh self-judgment is horrible. It’s terrible. Your sub-vocalization or inner voice is supposed to help you, not hinder you, not hold you back. Yet here it is again and again and again and again and again, showing up, telling you you’re no good, holding you back from your dreams.
Well, Jeff, I have high expectations for myself.
I do, too! Me, too! But I don’t walk the earth, with terrible inner noise going on inside my noggin. No. And so many of us do. This is a problem to be solved through coaching, therapy, writing and positive self-talk. For the purposes of this piece, we’ll just call it the inner critic.
If you think you’re the only one who has an inner critic, you’re wrong. We’ve all got the inner critic. It spans age, education, socio-economic status, race, geography, doesn’t matter. We’ve all got it. And it Ain’ great. In fact, it’s horrible because it typically says horrible things to us, telling us we’re no good, telling us we can’t do things, telling us what’s the point of this / why even bother with this new thing we’re trying to do to better ourselves? I mean, right? It tries to hold us down and keep us right where we are, like a pesky brother-or-sister-in-law who’s jealousy is so thick he / she needs years of therapy. It holds so many of us back from our true potential. It turns out that this idiot, this inner critic dumbass so many of us think is a part of us — *isn’t*. It is actually separate from us. Entirely not us even though it is a silly sub-vocalization.
Damn inner head trash.
So, what do we do about it? How do we silence the inner critic, and finally start to be kind to our future selves??
We begin by naming it something silly to start to undermine its authority over us. Why? Because it has no authority over us and our actions. It’s not smart. In fact, it is a dumbass. Like any other critic you ought not pay attention to. Critics are only critics because they cannot / will not create on their own. Therefore, they take to the critical airwaves to criticize the works of others because they have no works of their own. They’re really shells of their own potential. And unfortunately for you and me, they’re given free platforms to express their idiocy and outrage at the creations of others. Why? Because they feel small. There’s your tiny critic with his tiny opinions. He does not matter in the least. Nor does the voice inside your head telling you you’re wrong / inadequate / not good enough / not smart enough / not good at math / not six-packy enough / good lookin’ enough. Well, you are good lookin’ enough, dammit! You are if you think you are.
Where does all this come from, anyway? How did this idiot inside our head develop? The inner critic is a mere product of our beliefs — what we’ve been taught / told since we were kids. It isn’t just your parents, though they have a huge impact upon your belief systems as a young adult and then well into adulthood. (Never underestimate the people pleasers’ need to please the parents. For some, this never goes away.)
It’s also the teachers and kids you hung around as a child. Primary school has a huge impact upon our psyche and our beliefs about what we think is possible for us. Almost all of us have a at least a few stories of being a kid and either being bullied / picked on unfairly / called fat / called out by the teacher during class to the point of supreme embarrassment / told you were no good / told you suck at math, English, reading, etc. / told you’re remedial. Yeah, exactly what every kid wants to hear: you’re remedial.
OK, enough of this already! How long are we going to endure these old, musty stories of the past!? How long are we going to hang onto them like they still control us like a helicopter parent, like they’re actually so important that they continue to define us and to hold us back!? How long until we drop them like the bad habit that they are?! Enough with these disempowering stories!
And so begins the positive self-talk. So begins the writing. And so begins the coaching. And so begins the positive, like-minded, new community to hang-out with. And so begins the harder, deeper therapy to exorcise the demons. And so begins silencing the harsh inner critic. And so begins the journey of positive self-care. And that’s how I look at this: a journey of positive self-care.
Here you’re finally taking care of your mind as well as your body. You’re feeding your mind positive things, positive people, positive goals, positive struggles, and gaining positive momentum toward what you want. Because isn’t that what we all really want? Doing cool things with cool people for cool people who are also cool back to us in return? We give, give, give because it feels good, and it is also a great sales & marketing strategy.
# You won’t believe what you learn about yourself.
For the people pleasers out there — you know who you are — this is exactly what you want. You all give ALL THE TIME to others. Good for you! Now, it’s time to get after what it is you want. You just have to give yourself the gift of clarity to discover what it is you actually want. (It’s hard to get after it when you don’t know what it is you want.) Yes, it turns out that clarity towards what you want is a gift. 🎁
The best way to give yourself this gift is to hand-write it all out. Grab paper, grab pen, and write, write, write. Do this every day at a set time. Morning is typically best. The point is to write, write, write. There’s great power in the written word. Great psychological power here within you, deep within you just waiting to be unleashed! It doesn’t matter what you write, just keep writing. Keep practicing. And you will discover what clarity means to you. You gotta get it out of your head and down onto paper. I know this sounds antiquated — and it is! — and it is also the best route toward self-discovery! You won’t believe what you learn about yourself. I guarantee it.
And so the Self-Care Journey begins. It’s a long road, but it is worth it. I should know — I’m still on it. I’ve done / continue to do all the aforementioned things: coaching, therapy, writing stuff down every day, and thrashing it all out. And it is working! This is Creativity!
If you’ll allow me to brag, I don’t have an inner critic any more. No inner voice. No sub-vocalization at all. No one bugging me inside. It’s just me, surrounded by positive, cool people who I choose to hang around.
Plus, I’ve gotta step up because people need me! There’s no time to beat myself up over my mistakes. They’re simply the path to eventual victory. If you’re making mistakes, it means you’re out there trying every day. Not sitting on your hands, not waiting for someone to tell you it’s gonna be OK. Not waiting for someone else to give you the green light. Not waiting for the boss to grant you permission. No.
There is no need to wait. Ever.
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